the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
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the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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