Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
why is half of my head shaved?
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
