What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
