I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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