hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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