that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
