Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
