I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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