My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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