I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
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He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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