I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
But break dance skills will only take you so far
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
