ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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