Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
