I think i sorta joined a cult last night
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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