Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
