i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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