I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
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