R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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