Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I wear drunk well.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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