I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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