I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
