dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
