drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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