Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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