i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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