My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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