Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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