so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Randomize
