A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
third nipple confirmed
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
not ubering you a puppy
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
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