you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Alive.
So much puke
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
