dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
