I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
