how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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