awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i wish my penis had a tongue
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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