Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Randomize
