I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
my FASA form asked what i spent the majority of my 08 earnings on, im tempted to put "booze, blow, & blunts"
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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