Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
