I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Semen is not good for contacts.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize