battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I am available for nakedness
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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