If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
