I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
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i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
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Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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