Midget sex pt 2 tonight
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
