Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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