Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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