I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
