I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We need a shit load of segways right now
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Randomize
