I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
