Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
