Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
