I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
