he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
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He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
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No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over