You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.