saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
19 Of The Most Epic “I Quit’ Stories Ever
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
25 People Reveal The Creepiest Kids They Went to School With
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?