A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion