Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
How external is "for external use only"?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
