i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Randomize
